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I am not afraid of death. Of course I don’t go looking for it, and I do a lot of things to prolong my life – like looking both ways before I cross the street, eating a balanced diet, and exercising regularly – but more importantly: I do not resist its inevitability. I am comforted by the enduring finality of the ultimate conclusion. Steadfast, no matter what happens or doesn’t happen in my life, death is the only thing that's truly guaranteed. And that’s both comforting and freeing. It’s the same feeling I had the day I finally learned how to fight with my back literally up against the wall. I spent years training a myriad of ways to avoid getting pushed-up against a wall, and countless hours practicing how to immediately fight my way off the wall if I ended up there despite my best avoidance efforts. Then I attended a workshop all about fighting from the wall. Instead of being a position of guaranteed failure, it became a supported position full of opportunities. The wall was just another tool at my disposal, so I could choose whether to stay there and for how long. I do not remember a specific event that freed me from fear of death, but I remember when I realized mine is not the common sentiment. I was on a road trip with a close friend who shared that she had recently processed through some of her fear of death. It shocked me at the time because it never occurred to me that my smart, level-headed, and reasonably self-assured friend would be afraid of the eventual end of her life. But of course it's not about intelligence, reason, or rationality. Obviously my friend is far from alone in her concerns. According to popular culture and the media, most people fear death. And for many reasons. Some are afraid of the actual experience of dying. Some are afraid of what will happen to the people they love after their gentle spirit takes flight. Others are afraid of what will become of their ambitions and projects and life’s work when they pass on. And for a lot of people, it’s a fear of the unknown, or of what’s waiting for them (or not) on the other side. Most people also fear aging or getting old, which is another thing I am similarly not distressed by. When I was young I always wanting to be older. Not because I specifically wanted additional years under my belt, but because I wanted the societal respect and privileges that came with reaching certain age-related milestones. Consequently, I rushed a bit through my growing-up and did a lot of responsible adulty things “early” by societal standards. For a while it served me quite well. Because I was living a slightly older person’s lifestyle, people generally assumed I was the age of humans who typically did the things I was doing. When I was in my teens I had a crappy service job and a million roommates, so folks assumed I was in my twenties. When I was actually in my twenties I had an important sounding government job and a mortgage, so people assumed I was in my thirties. Once I got to thirty I felt like my chronological age was finally catching-up with my perceived age, and I stopped trying so hard to constantly prove I was an adult. I used to think I was just too young to appreciate the impending doom that is my own eventual demise. Now I think it’s actually because I am paying attention to the process. My boobs are beginning to sag and I have a few wrinkles even when I’m not smiling. My body aches and is quite stiff if I don’t move it enough or in the right ways every. single. day. And the other day I found my first grey hair. Despite the subtle shifts of the aging process, I don’t feel like a once fabulous machine beginning to break down, or a sub-standard creature afflicted by the shameful weakness of inevitable obsolescence. I just feel like me. Every day I feel exactly like myself. And I am certain this is because I spend time every day connecting with my body through my Taiji practice. Neil deGrasse Tyson said "we fear death because we are born knowing only life." Taiji says we can know something by knowing it’s opposite. I want to know the whole process of my life. Then I can know death through a lens other than fear. I am not trying to ignore aging as it happens. I am trying to savor every little adjustment and nuance, just like I do when practicing my martial forms. I want to feel the full experience of being in my body. I am practicing being present with today's body, so I’m not clinging to the body I had in my 20’s and pretending it’s not changing. Which means I’m a lot less likely to wake up one day in a 40, 50, or 60 year old body and wonder what the hell happened to me?! Beyond the physical aspects of aging, there are also many ways in which people over various perceived ages are valued less by society, seen as less capable, or dismissed as irrelevant. Ageism is real, and just as insidious as racism and sexism and all the other isms. This comes up constantly in the contra dance scene because we are a multi-generational community. At any given dance before Covid, there were folks from their teens and twenties all the way into their seventies and sometimes eighties. As one of the “young” community organizers, it’s critical that I regularly check my own assumptions about folks older or younger than I, and vital that I ask others to join me in those considerations. I hope to contribute enough effort toward changing the problematic narratives about “old people” that when I get to be an old people I will have less to contend with. I can’t count on all of society making the same positive adjustments, but I can plant the seeds of change I’d like to see in my community and encourage them to take root in other places too. In truth, I am much more afraid of what life will be like on this planet when I am older. The climate change predictions are pretty dire and there is a lot that needs to change about the way we all live and work and play. Society as a whole needs an overhaul, right down to the foundation. If we have any hope of making it out of all the upcoming catastrophes, we'll have to make a substantial shift in every corner of our collective lives. I am most afraid of living a life in which I could have accomplished something and didn't. I’m not attached to what specific legacy is attributed to me after I’m gone, but I am attached to leaving a positive change in my wake. I don’t need to be known for great things before or after I die. I need to have done great things and contributed to great things. I need to have made a difference, whether or not anybody remembers it was me. Information and Inspiration
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AuthorJaydra is a human in-process, working to make the world a better place. Sharing thoughts, feelings, and observations about the human experience. Archives
March 2024
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