On Humaning
  • Home
  • About
  • Follow
  • Contact
  • Home
  • About
  • Follow
  • Contact
Essays on the human experience, cultivating a life in-process, and making the world a better place.

I am both sides of the me coin

4/5/2023

0 Comments

 
I want to be internally whole and harmonious.  It feels good.  And it makes coping with everything life throws at me a little less arduous.  So I spend time shining a light into the dark and shadowed corners of my internal world.  I dredge up shameful secrets.  I open locked doors and sift through the traumas and the treasurers.  Over the years I have reconciled many sides of my Self and I have made tremendous progress toward wholeness.  Recently I have felt a bit stalled in this effort.

I realized this feeling like I'm treading water is because I am afraid.  Afraid that if I am to congruous it might make me too powerful.  A truly whole and complete me might be more powerful than I can control and contain myself (as I have spent most of my life doing in various ways).  And that might mean I end up on the radar of somebody much more powerful who is interested in controlling and containing me.  I definitely don't want that.

I want freedom and autonomy.  Unfortunately, I got in the habit of denying myself greater liberation in a misguided attempt to avoid unwanted scrutiny.  I adopted one of the great (and cruelly ironic) false narratives handed to everyone by the structure of our society: if you want freedom, keep yourself in-check.  But that's not actually freedom...  That's coping.  And I'm tired of continuously coping with the way things are.

A lot of people (with and without various kinds of power) are threatened by my very existence.  I don't fit cleanly into many of the societally-defined boxes.  But I do pass real well.  At first glance, I seem relatively normative.  I don't look like anybody's worst nightmare of a queer, polyamorous, anti-capitalist with ADHD and anarchist leanings.  So sneaky.

​Even though keeping parts of myself undercover began as a survival strategy, now it means I get insider access to spaces other people like me are not welcome in.  And that gives me opportunity to disrupt problematic attitudes and assumptions.  It gives me a chance to humanize more kinds of people in the eyes of more kinds of people.

So while the prospect of drawing the attention and ire of bigots and authorities is frightening, I'm in a  protected-enough position that I can be living out-loud a little bit more.  The more I admit and embrace all the aspects of myself, the more permission I give other people around me to do the same.  And the more I show people who have less access to resources or community support that they are not alone.  That feels worth the risk.
​

Information and Inspiration
  • Harvard Business Review: The Dark Side of Self-Control
  • FiveThirtyEight: Recess Is Good For Kids. Why Don’t More States Require It?
  • Inspired Success: Why Perfectionism is a Form of Oppression - Stay With Me Here
  • BBC: Is it impossible to end burnout?
  • Inc: Yale Research Confirms What You've Always Suspected: Nobody Is Normal
  • LGBTQ Nation: After facing discrimination, Dr. Jon became the gay doctor every queer person needs
0 Comments

    Author

    Jaydra is a human in-process, working to make the world a better place.  Sharing thoughts, feelings, and observations about the human experience.

    Subscribe

    Archives

    March 2024
    February 2024
    January 2024
    November 2023
    October 2023
    September 2023
    August 2023
    July 2023
    June 2023
    May 2023
    April 2023
    March 2023
    February 2023
    January 2023
    December 2022
    November 2022
    October 2022
    September 2022
    August 2022
    July 2022
    June 2022
    May 2022
    April 2022
    March 2022
    February 2022
    January 2022
    December 2021
    November 2021
    October 2021
    September 2021
    August 2021
    July 2021
    June 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021
    March 2021
    February 2021
    January 2021
    December 2020
    November 2020
    October 2020
    September 2020
    August 2020
    July 2020
    June 2020
    May 2020

    Categories

    All

    RSS Feed

    Picture
Proudly powered by Weebly