I want to be internally whole and harmonious. It feels good. And it makes coping with everything life throws at me a little less arduous. So I spend time shining a light into the dark and shadowed corners of my internal world. I dredge up shameful secrets. I open locked doors and sift through the traumas and the treasurers. Over the years I have reconciled many sides of my Self and I have made tremendous progress toward wholeness. Recently I have felt a bit stalled in this effort.
I realized this feeling like I'm treading water is because I am afraid. Afraid that if I am to congruous it might make me too powerful. A truly whole and complete me might be more powerful than I can control and contain myself (as I have spent most of my life doing in various ways). And that might mean I end up on the radar of somebody much more powerful who is interested in controlling and containing me. I definitely don't want that.
I want freedom and autonomy. Unfortunately, I got in the habit of denying myself greater liberation in a misguided attempt to avoid unwanted scrutiny. I adopted one of the great (and cruelly ironic) false narratives handed to everyone by the structure of our society: if you want freedom, keep yourself in-check. But that's not actually freedom... That's coping. And I'm tired of continuously coping with the way things are.
A lot of people (with and without various kinds of power) are threatened by my very existence. I don't fit cleanly into many of the societally-defined boxes. But I do pass real well. At first glance, I seem relatively normative. I don't look like anybody's worst nightmare of a queer, polyamorous, anti-capitalist with ADHD and anarchist leanings. So sneaky.
Even though keeping parts of myself undercover began as a survival strategy, now it means I get insider access to spaces other people like me are not welcome in. And that gives me opportunity to disrupt problematic attitudes and assumptions. It gives me a chance to humanize more kinds of people in the eyes of more kinds of people.
So while the prospect of drawing the attention and ire of bigots and authorities is frightening, I'm in a protected-enough position that I can be living out-loud a little bit more. The more I admit and embrace all the aspects of myself, the more permission I give other people around me to do the same. And the more I show people who have less access to resources or community support that they are not alone. That feels worth the risk.
Information and Inspiration
Jaydra is a human in-process, working to make the world a better place. Sharing thoughts, feelings, and observations about the human experience.