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I met with a client this week who has been struggling. Before Covid he had a plan and it was working well for him. Then the pandemic came, followed by one challenge after another after another manifesting in his life. Along the way, he stopped being able to manage all the parts of his finances, so taxes didn't get done and some debts didn't get paid. Some of those challenges have now subsided, so he reached out to me to get his financial house back in order (or at least begin the declutter process). At least half of our meeting was more like counseling than financial planning or tax strategy, with regular reminders from me that we can only do what we can do and sometimes other parts of life are more important than taxes. The pain and anguish of surviving the last year and a half was present in my client's every facial expression and every spoken word. The guilt he felt at not being able to "continue adulting" while handling tragedy after tragedy was palpable. And it was all so relatable. It seems like it's going around. Everyone is just a little frayed at the edges. I think we're all just... worn out. Even people who have been professionally or personally thriving during Covid are still living through a pandemic. Still living in a world that is literally on fire. Still watching the Taliban take control of Afghanistan while the Afghani people make desperate pleas for help from the international community. Even though my life is generally pretty good and I have tremendous privilege, I am still living with bleak prospects for a stable future society and livable planet like everybody else. I have my shit together in many areas of my life and I also struggle with many things. The most present for me lately is the roller-coaster of hormone-induced emotions I have been riding ever since my Covid vaccine. Me (and untold numbers of other uterus-having individuals) are having longer periods, heavier flows, and "break-through bleeding" when we shouldn't be bleeding at all. And I am struggling with it. My Taiji teacher has always said "emotions are our Earthly guides." When we experience an emotion, it is a message from our body about something important. Since our body cannot express words, it talks to us through a language in which it can communicate. When I feel angry, that usually means there is some injustice happening. When I am grumpy, that usually means I am lacking in some kind of self-care. When I am scared, that usually means something is dangerous or I feel unsupported. I have spent a lot of time giving space to my emotions and practiced listening to what my body is telling me. I thought I had it down. Then came my vaxx jab. I am still overwhelmingly grateful I got the Covid vaccine, but it came with an unexpected struggle: I can no longer use the same method for deciphering all my emotions. Before, my feelings were like balloons on a string I could follow back to their source. These new PMS-flavored emotions are more like surprise pies to the face. Some struggles we volunteer for: challenging workouts, survival backpacking, learning new things. Other struggles appear in our life uninvited. I mostly think of struggle as a normal part of the journey of life. Like a sticky swamp I have to wade through to get from where I am to some places I want to go. But what about when the struggle itself is no longer a process we're going through and it becomes our identity? Significant or traumatic experiences are always going to be a part of who we are, but I have noticed lately that some folks seem to be entirely comprised of their trauma. They hold themselves out as nothing more than beings of emotional instability, lack of self-esteem, and caffeine addiction. Maybe it's because being some kinds of human in our society and dealing with the never-ceasing abuse and neglect doesn't leave room for healing. Or maybe it's because that is the only example they have access to. In some ways wearing the badge of trauma can be healing in itself. The markers of our struggle serve as connection points, giving us a way to relate to other humans who have similar experiences. And that's a good thing. Seeing some of yourself or you experience in another person is humanizing and empowering. But I don't want to re-live a struggle from one part of my life day after day, week after week, year after year, for the rest of my life. I want to put that baggage down eventually so I can travel lighter in my future. The way I know how to do that works for me, so I share it. But everyone is different. I just want everyone to have access to the kind of emotional processing and support they need to heal. I hope we can be easier on ourselves and easier on each other through that process. I hope we continue to acknowledge our own humanity so we can allow the full humanity of everyone else. I hope we can channel that into better societal systems that don't impose ridiculous and impossible standards for what counts as being a contributing member of society. Information and Inspiration
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AuthorJaydra is a human in-process, working to make the world a better place. Sharing thoughts, feelings, and observations about the human experience. Archives
February 2023
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